the widening gyre

The Second Coming
W.B. Yeats

Turning and turning in the widening gyre

The falcon cannot hear the falconer;

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere

The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

The best lack all conviction, while the worst

Are full of passionate intensity.

...

The darkness drops again; but now I know

That twenty centuries of stony sleep

Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,

Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Well. That was a week. After three weeks of peace and life being about life while The Oldest was out of town, he texted me last Monday. "Mom, I need help." It's my deepest hope and my deepest fear in three words. I asked if he meant it. If he was really ready. I asked what he needed: "I just need a hug." "I'll go anywhere and talk to anybody you say." I flew him home the next day. 

Even driving in from the airport though, I knew this wasn't what it seemed like. I knew that once again I had believed what I wanted to. That we'd thrown our house into turmoil to no avail. That we'd brought home someone who wasn't ready for a home. I mentioned a treatment centre. He said "treatment for what?" When I said addiction, he said that's not what he needed help with. 

Up and down. Round and round. Five days of promises and changes and "just talking to my friends helps." By friends he means weed and alcohol and ... who knows. 

Trying to be clear without nagging, I remind him of his promise again and again - Anywhere. Anyone. Those were the words he'd said.

But clearly I just don't understand. 

So today when the addictions counselor he'd agreed to see called me to let me know he'd stood her up again, I knew I had to draw a line in the sand and stand behind it. Luckily, I had an appointment with my counselor right after that phone call, and he gave me some great ways to look at this, some affirming perspective. Some key phrases. There's no good news here, but it also doesn't have to be a total failure - he asked. I responded. That small dance is it's own win. 

When My Man and I got home tonight, The Oldest was waiting in the hammock. We all walked in together, made a little small talk - me rehearsing over and over in my head how to tell him this would be his last night here until he gets help - when out of the blue The Oldest said "I'm going to sleep at Buddy's. I'm just grabbing my stuff." I offered a ride. I asked what was up. He has work, steady work, staring early tomorrow. Buddy's house is more convenient. 

But he was too quiet. The whole ride to Buddy's he was quiet. And you never know with The Oldest what the quiet means - anger? Sadness? Guilt? Did he know I was about to kick him out? He hugged me. And thanked me. And said he'd see me soon. 

I didn't get to deliver my carefully rehearsed speech. But I know this isn't the end. Maybe there will be no end. All I'm left with is a widening gyre. And some rough beast, slouching towards bedlam. 

happy, with a side of skepticism

The Little One has been living with My Man and I for three weeks now, and doing an amazing job after a disappointing 'return home and start over' roll in the game of life. He's enrolled in finishing his grade 12, pre-registered for college (final acceptance depends on summer school grades), has a full-time job already at a place he likes. He's ticking along. We've adjusted to always wearing pants in the house and having a pet again. Oh, and he's off his prescription meds and still stable mentally - sleeping well, clear headed, eating good meals, setting long-term goals, etc. Smoking weed, but stable. The other day he told me he's looking forward to starting college in the fall so he can 'have some intelligent conversations and make some friends he doesn't have to be stoned to be around.' Good goal, son. Good goal.

The Oldest has been stable for a while. I don't ask a whole lot about how much he's using. It goes up and down, I suppose, and yet he's living in a great apartment, showing up for work, paying off debts, working out regularly, meeting new people, planning some travel. He visits and gardens and takes an interest in our lives. He's even reconnected with his dad and managed to visit him and have a good time.

Things are ticking along. Not unlike a bomb, those the wary amongst us who've been here before. I emailed friends and family an update the other day and one response said 'keep an eye out for The Little One - people with depression tend to get worse when things go well.' Sigh.

After dinner last night, The Oldest gave me a heart-felt thank you speech for always doing my best, never giving up on them, keeping my faith and love for them while letting them find their own way, etc.

And I thought (but managed not to say) 'why does this sound so much like his suicide note from last year?' He did follow it up with saying he's feeling good about himself and life. I told him that I'm very proud of how he's pulled himself together the last couple months, and that I'm still eager for him to restore his relationship with his grandparents. He shrugged - not because it doesn't matter, but because he doesn't think sorry is enough and doesn't know what else there is.

Things are good. And I'm grateful. And I wonder what it will take to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I read in the paper today about a new group starting in town for family members of people with mental health and addiction issues. I might just have to keep an eye out for that. I think I might now someone they could help.

when alive isn't enough

I friend of mine has just completed 6 months of the most horrifying experience I can imagine - at New Years her 6 year old daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumour. They went through several weeks at Sick Kids hospital in Toronto, biopsy & tests & displacement & separation from their teenage daughter at home, then back home for months of chemo, tests, disruption, side-effects, radiation, and more tests and more side-effects.

There are permanent changes to her daughter's brain - personality, learning, eye sight, endocrine system, etc. And it will be years and years before they know the full extent of the changes. And yet, they survived. At least the initial intense battles. The family is drained, and they survived.

But my friend posted today on Facebook, 'Is it awful that 'alive' is not enough some days? ...' I wish I didn't get it, but I so so do. When first The Oldest and then The Little One tried to die last year, I bargained and pleaded and made deals with God and with them - just stay alive. We can work with anything else.

And then, the rest happened. The Little One's mental illnesses. The Oldest's addictions and stealing from his grandparents.

They are alive. And actually doing relatively well. The Little One has had what he considers a set back lately, and has moved back home to return to school. He sees it as a set-back; I see it as a really great choice that will set him up for the future.

But really, things are not better. They are not dealt with. And maybe it will be years, or a lifetime, before we ever really feel okay again. Before The Oldest sees that making amends with his family is better than whatever he's protecting in himself. Before we really know what The Little One's brain needs to make life simpler for him.

Alive is enough, and we can work with everything else. Except on the days when it's not. And then ... then we have to look to others to get us through. And I think that's okay too.

and on it goes

The Little One sent me a note on Facebook tonight letting me know that he was going to say some things in a note that he'd been holding back from the family, and that it's the kind of thing that freaks everyone out, and I should be prepared and let them know he's okay, because he is. Okay being a relative term these days.

Said note, lack of capitalization & wacky spelling and all:

not sure if i should do this but here gos 

i believe in complete honesty as being the best way for a person to continue moving forward.{did not allways think this way} for the past five years that i have tried to stick to this i used a much simpler form of lying: omission. out of all the things i have seen heard and thought of in my life i can only admit to two people ever coming close to knowing any of it. neither of them were doctors and neither could have come close to knowing how to help me cope. i dont trust doctors and there "professionalism". its them being professional that means they wont share, if they have a bad day theyll hide it what is that teaching you. a shrink could actually be someone with the introverted agenda of worsening peoples conditions so that they are forced to coninue making regular visits.{dont really think theres a doc like that just a possibility} but i digress. the point is i prefer to confide seperate things into different people that i think i can trust as they come up. problem is all those people have had superficial nonlasting relationships with me resulting in ever worse conditions for being able to even admit that i am bothered let alone what is doing the bothering. i know where my first experience was that basically ruined the innocence every child needs preserved and i know that none of my familly knows what it was and both of those two people i told had forgotten about it the next time i brought it up.{so i never would again} my most recent attempt on my life {bit more than 1 year ago} was actually caused by being in a bad place when this repressed memory came to the surface. somehow i can make myself forget it im actually not to surprised i have a horrible memory which only gets worse with my rampant pot use. this experience is not what caused my condition but it with my compounded other difficulties to completing goals or even simple tasks makes every day a struggle. i find it hard to explain and i dont think anybody really understands but my depression is not the type that comes and gos or can be brought on by a sad experience. it is instead an inability to produce the normal amount of endorphines. {mind happiness syrum} so my high is a low and my low is lower still. the extra cool side to this is since its actually my mind failing it only gets worse and by being silly and doing some of the drugs i did i caused schizophrenic episodes. now on its own my form of depression makes me hear things that arent there.{not voices in my head} so when i had schizo episodes i knew they were fake and didnt really care till they would happen everyday sober. now i have stopped using the drugs that cause this i dont have schizophrenic episodes anymore it just shows the depths i can be sucked into. now ive explained all this because thinking about it i realised most of my familly has expressed sympathy and a wish to help and mostly been rebuked with plain dismissal{sorry} and that is because i know nobody has an inkling of the full gravity of the uphill battle i must face until i die. and since only the people who care enough are actually going to read all this nuts stuff youve now all been fully informed. im fine i would never have written any of this if i wasnt trying to break through my own barriers. i have written this sort of stuff for a long time and allways in this fashion yet refuse to share it comepletely. i just figure its about time i properly explained why i can sit around all day with everything takin care of for me and still be angry, depressed and lazy no matter what anybody does about it because honestly i cant do jack about it other than keep on trucking into the next sunset.

So I called him. And I asked about the repressed memory and the incident in his childhood and he would only talk around it and say it's not the point. So I tried to ask what he needs moving forward, and, well, there weren't many answers there either.

It's all a little crazy-making, and I'm not the one who hears voices. I don't know how something - whatever it was - could have happened and my little boys not tell me about it. He says it wasn't sexual and he wasn't hurt, so what could steal his innocence and his childhood and need hiding for all these years and wreak all this havoc in his young brain? And why didn't I know? Why didn't he say? And The Oldest was there. And what does all this have to do with his demons now?

I know in many ways The Little One is right - it doesn't matter now except to move forward. But I'm such a firm believer that you can't move forward dragging incomplete messes from the past behind you. Maybe he isn't. Maybe he got more out of his years of seeing a psychiatrist than he admits.

It's just gut-wrenching to keep learning these things. And to not know what to do about it. Ironically (or do I mean coincidentally?), I had lunch today with someone who was talking about her mom's incredible love, compassion and grace for people, except the Nazis (who she'd escaped as a young woman) and those who messed with children - those two groups should be dealt with swiftly and with finality.

I have to say, I'm in agreement right now. I don't know the enemy, or what he did. But I know he should hope not to run into me.

And I'll do a little looking to see if I can find some grace for myself. All I can see right now are two beautiful little blonde boys who had something life-changing happen that they couldn't tell their mom about. And that's a hard truth to bear.

he has a point

It's been a little weird for me of late - I want to continue learning, growing and sharing about my experiences as the mom of a drug addict, and I'm well aware that even though we're in a good spot right now The Oldest is definitely still a drug addict, but ... it seems like without the drama and upset there's little to share.

Except I also feel like maybe this is the perfect time - while he is moving forward and trying to create a future and experiencing some successes - for The Oldest to be dealing with the stuff he'd rather forget. Both the wrongs done to him and the wrongs he's done.

We had a really wonderful Mother's Day - he invited me out for lunch days before, which I'm pretty sure is a first. The day of, we had fun and laughed and enjoyed time together - he bought lunch and gave me chocolate. The boy does know his mother well. And then we bought seeds and spent the afternoon gardening with My Man and his kids. We were just like any other healthy, happy family (though I did really miss The Little One).

But I couldn't ignore little snippets of conversation here and there that reminded me who we are and what we're dealing with. I mentioned his grandparents and what they were up to, and he stiffened. He said he hopes they're doing well, but he stiffened. I mentioned how well My Man and his ex-wife work together, and how I could never imagine The Oldest's dad and I like that, and he looked away and muttered "I don't get what his problem is."

I asked what that was about, and he told me that his dad has declared he won't talk to The Oldest until he gets professional help. So here's a kid who is trying to get his life together, and the one person who has been missing for years - the person who if he really showed up would make more difference than all of us who've been here all along - has once again opted out.

It's not new or surprising; it's frustrating and predictable and sad. I watched The Oldest try to shake it off. To say, like he believed it, that his father has always really ended up making things worse and it didn't matter.

But despite his protestations, there's a little boy in there who still wants his dad to give a damn. Who remembers a time when he was the apple of his father's eye.

When we were married and I had a complaint, his dad's response was always "it's not like I beat you or drink or fool around,' and his approach to fathering has become similarly lame - he doesn't do the worst things possible, so we should lay off expecting his best. When The Oldest says 'it's not like he adds much to my life anyway', it takes more willpower and wisdom than I have to have him see another side to things.

I don't for a second believe that I've not made any mistakes, or that his dad is 100% a villain. But ... why cut off your own son when he's got a healthy place to live and a good job he's reliably showing up for. When he's applied to go back to school in the fall, and is making long-term plans and taking steps to have them happen. When he's assessing which friendships support him and which hold him back. When he's exploring hobbies and interests and sports and building new friendship with people who have interests other than getting high. When he's asking for information, not money. When he's riding a wave and needs nothing but encouragement to keep it going.

Yes, I am full of judgment about The Oldest's father. And full of dread about when the next fall will happen. And I am sad that right now, in this moment when he's doing so well, there are so few who will celebrate that as loudly as they crow when he falls. And, I can't help thinking that these are the times to really deal with the past - not when things fall apart again.

stand

Reminded tonight of this powerful song. And this powerful admonition. Need to keep it where I can find it when needed.

"Stand"

What do you do when you've done all you can
And it seems like it's never enough?

And what do you say when your friends turn away
And you're all alone,alone?

Tell me,What do you give when you've given your all
And it seems you can't make it through?

Well you just stand when there's nothing left to do
You just stand,watch the Lord see you through
Yes, after you've done all you can, you just stand

Tell me, how do you handle the guilt of your past?
Tell me, how do you deal with the shame?
And how can you smile while your heart has been broken
And filled with pain, filled with pain?
Tell me what do you give when you've given your all
And it seems like you can't make it through?

Child, you just stand when there's nothing left to do
You just stand, watch the lord see you through
Yes, after you've done all you can, you just stand

Stand and be sure
Be not entangled in that bondage again
You just stand, and endure
God has a purpose,Yes god has a plan

Tell me what do you do when you've done all you can
And it seem like you cant make it through?
Child, you just stand,you just stand, stand

Don't dare give up through the storm, stand through the rain
Through the hurt,yeah,through the pain
Don't you bow, and don't bend don't give up, no, don't give in
Hold on, just be strong, God will step in and it won't be long

After you've done all you can, after you've done all you can
After you've gone through the hurt, after you've gone through the pain
After you've gone through the storm, after you've gone through the rain
Prayed and cried, prayed and cried
Prayed and cried
Prayed and cried, oh my

After you done all you can you just stand

The Best of Times?

Work has been busy. Life has been even busier. So even though I've had lots of things I wanted to share and lots of conversations with The Oldest and The Little One, I just haven't quite gotten over here to share.

I suppose in a lot of ways there's more for me to say when things are going wrong. But the nature of addiction is that things go well, and then ... less so. And right now we're in a good spell with The Oldest  He's working. He's got a great place to live with a friend who only annoys him about half the time. The 'friend' who he did the worst drugs with has left town. And best of all, he's planning for the future that a year ago he didn't even think was worth living long enough to see.

Things are good. Right now. For The Oldest.  The Little One is struggling. Wobbles happen. So. There's good news - university applications included (rousing cheer!). And I continue to hold my breath. To wait for the wobble to turn into a quake. To wonder who's going to go off the rails next. And I continue to wonder what I'm supposed to be doing about it all.

all about me

When The Oldest really wants to get to me, he tells me how much our lives are always all about me, how self-centred I am, etc. It's nasty, it's spiteful, and it digs in only because there's at least a tiny bit of truth in it.

Part of the pressure he's had to live under is a mother who refused to be happy as long as he wasn't well. Like all good post-pop-psych adults I try to use more 'I phrases' than you phrases. For example, I am afraid you're going to die when you go on a bender and disappear; I am shocked and hurt that you stole from your grandparents. I'm not perfect at this - accusations and blaming do creep in, but ... I suppose in the world of an emotionally stunted drug addict, those 'I phrase' could sound more like it's all about me than a responsible way to phrase my responses.

C'est la vie, really.

Cuz this time, The Oldest, it is all about me.

I found an article last week simply titled 'How to Stop Enabling.' I skimmed it, pondered it for a while, then returned and read it more fully. A lot of it is phrased for spouses, but the gist still translates.In a nutshell, the 5 tips they suggest are:

1. Let your loved one face his or her own consequences.
2. Every day, do at least one thing just for you.
3. Avoid feeling sorry for yourself or taking on the victim role.
4. Break free from isolation.
5. Ask for help.

Of course, I'm least convinced of the first one. When The Oldest comes for dinner and I know he has no food at home, it works for me to give him some. It gives me peace of mind to know that a bag of my excess food will provide healthy meals for him for a few days. I'd do it if he was well. My mom still often does it for me. It's a way I express my love and I don't intend to stop. But, no more cash. And no more helping him out of jams. And no more helping him find a way out of town or trying to convince employers to give him another chance. 

Yes, I'm taking item the first with a grain of maternal salt. But the real reason it's taken me a week to post this post is because of point 2. For years - no, I'm not exaggerating - I've had friends tell me that I need to focus on and take care of myself. The problem is, I believe The Oldest's assertion that I'm selfish. He's not the first one to mention it. And so to do one thing ever day just for me seems to really truly indulge a part of myself that I'd rather not acknowledge. 

In my own little world

So that thing - the item that makes my skin crawl a little, is also the thing I'm here to shout from the blog-tops.

I will do one thing each day that is solely for my own pleasure. 

And I will tweet about it (see twitter stream on the side) with the hashtag #OneThing so you can hold me accountable. 

As for the rest of the article, I've been working on number 3 for quite some time. And this week I started working on number 4 and realised I have some good friends that have just been waiting for me to raise my head. 

As for number 5 ... well, I'm getting there. I'm not so awesome at admitting that I need help. And ironically, that is the first step in all of the recovery groups I've looked into. I'll know I'm ready for Alanon or Celebrate Recovery when I'm ready to ask for help. I do think that won't be too long. 

sunshine

The Oldest came for dinner tonight, a few minutes late, a little bit scruffy, but for dinner as we usually do at some point each week. I made Caribbean ribs and sweet potatoes. The apartment was full of fragrance when he arrived.

We hugged, made awkward small talk, and then he pulled two Ataulfo mangoes out of a bag. He didn't know how much I love mangoes, or that Ataulfo mangoes are my favourite of the few varieties we get in Canada (aside: my Brazilian friend once told me there are more than 30 varieties of mango in Brazil. I was jealous).  He only knew that he didn't want to show up empty-handed for once. He had looked for a gluten-free and sugar-free dessert to share with me (I guess he didn't know I've given up on the sugar-free once again), and this was what he found.

Moments like this are magical, and hard. In moments like this he's my son - loving, thoughtful, giving boy I raised. I showed him how I cut a mango, since he was unsure. We divided it between two bowls, stirred in the thickest creamiest Greek vanilla yogourt, and savoured the sweetness while the ribs finished cooking.

Sometimes dessert first is best.

He is not okay. I have to remember that in times like this. He quit yet another job because "they were assholes." He doesn't really know where he'll live at the end of the month. He's still estranged from almost all of his family except me and The Little One. I asked, as I always do, what professional help he's ready for. He still has no answer to that.

And yet, he brought mangoes. Sweet, juicy, healthy, dripping with sunshine mangoes. He thought of someone else, not just himself and drug-getting and survival. He stood in a store, and looked at options, and considered what would be best for someone besides himself.

He laughed at dinner - relating a story of something silly a friend did. His laugh was like sunshine filling the room. It must have been because we ate the mangoes first.

yelling into the wind

I think it's the loneliness of being the mother of a drug addict that most surprises me. The isolation. The feeling like few know, fewer care, and only the rare will actually ask - how are you? How is your son? What do you really want to talk about? I don't want advice - I want someone to listen and to give a damn.

I admit I am not naturally a person who shares my deepest hurts and fears and what's really going on for me. I takes practice and an effort of will to say what's really on my mind. Which is kind of ironic given that I work in Communications, am active here and there on social media, have 2 blogs, and write daily in one way or another. For most of my life I've kept a busy outgoing facade in order to protect the quiet, scared girl inside

I started this blog to try to get out some of what I was struggling the most to share with people. To try to connect with other parents of hungry ghosts. To get my thoughts out in black and white and see if I can make sense of them. To practice saying "My son is a drug addict and I don't know how to help him." To get related to the truth of what we're dealing with, and to let others in. And to give hope when there's hope to share, to share info and strength where I find them.

But in the dark nights, I'm still alone with my fears even when I'm in My Man's arms. More than one friend with whom I've shared this blog has told me they can't read it - they don't want to know the truth of what we're dealing with. I suppose it's nice that they're honest. But what am I supposed to do with that? Why can't they show up with a bottle of wine and just talk about something else instead of leaving me alone with the nightmares?

There's an irony, I suppose. In my master's thesis I wrote about trauma theory and how when people go through an extreme trauma there's a part of themselves that they can not integrate into their sense of self until someone else both hears AND believes it. Most of the research comes out of the Jewish Holocaust. I still find it fascinating and illuminating 10 years later.

I am loved, and The Oldest is loved as well - people don't really want to know the truth. I guess that's why for Holocaust survivors, the listener was generally a grand child - their children were too close to want to hear. And yet that is what I truly need. A listener, preferably someone who can listen without judging, advising, or getting upset themselves. I guess maybe that's too much to expect of friends.

23 Things I'd Say if The Oldest Would Listen

1. I love you. Yes, I say it every time we see each other. And I will say it until you hear it. 
2. You are a blessing, and still one of the greatest things that ever happened in my life
3. None of the horror that happened in your childhood was your fault. NONE of it. 
4. Stop hating yourself for how you responded to what happened in your childhood. You were a child - you didn't know what else to do
5. You are responsible for the choices you continue to make now - addicted or not, you are the one choosing not to get help, to use drugs instead of dealing with what's behind them, to steal  from your family to get those drugs, etc. Yes, you are an addict and you've been through hell. You are still responsible for what you're doing now
6. Your brother misses you - the you who was his friend, hero and protector before he became one of your victims
7. Your father loves you, in his never-quite-sure-what-to-do way
8. Your aunts, uncles and cousins love you 
9. You are brilliant - far brighter and wiser than most people could hope to be. Act like it 
10. You have one of the biggest hearts I know - stop squelching it
11. You really need a hair cut. Just sayin' 
12. People pay good money to try to develop the talent you naturally have - stop squelching that too!
13. You have all the opportunity in the world - for love, support, help, education - you just have to accept it
14. Nothing will change until you deal with the demons that haunt you
15. I will let you fall - I'm strong enough for that now. I will let you fall hard if that's what it takes for you to get help
16. Dream. Dream big. Those dreams will keep you moving forward
17. I know you think your friends are great guys. Maybe they are, but they aren't helping you. Surround yourself with people who pull you upwards and forwards. 
18. Your grandparents love you & miss you so much it hurts them to talk about you. But they do - because you are their grandson and they love you 
19. Love and hope trump fear every day
20. We are not giving up on you. Ever

________________________
Scintilla Prompt

Write a list of 23

long road

I don't want to turn the TV off and go to bed - I don't want to be alone with my thoughts in the dark. I don't want to have nothing and no one between myself and the realisation that The Oldest spent the weekend drunk or stoned or high and skipping work and killing himself as surely as if his neck were back in the noose, in part because I gave him the money to be drunk or stoned or high.

I know it does no good to continue to wish I'd done otherwise. I know the only difference I can make is to do otherwise in the future. But when things are good for a while. Or when things are not good and I want them to be. Well, it's easy to say yes. 

But then, in the aftermath, I get texts from his father asking if The Oldest is okay because he's cut him off again. I get texts from The Oldest's co-workers hoping he's okay because he hasn't shown up for work. I have conversations with The Little One that he's relieved, to some degree, that The Oldest decided not to go visit him - it's hard having someone visit who you love but don't trust or feel safe with. 

It's time for me to start going to al-anon or similar meetings. It's time for me to get real with myself. I can't keep living with my heart in my mouth every time I hear from him. Or worse, when I don't. I like believing things are getting better. Only that wishful thinking keeps me from seeing the truth. Maybe he'll still end up dead even if I do the work I have to do. But at worst I'll be better able to handle whatever happens. 

pathetic

I've been busy - out of town 3 days for family stuff, 4 days for work stuff. I'm tired. Depleted. Run down. And beyond all else exhausted. I know better, and yet ... I have no excuses.

While I was away The Oldest was texting me. Hey mom - you home yet? When will you be home. My heart sinks ... I love him. Love that he wants to talk to me. And my heart sinks every time. It's never good news. Never 'just' catching up.

When we finally met today, he was clearly having a bad day. Withdrawn, quiet, pale and shakey. We took care of some business, but I know better than to ask what's up in public. And then we got in the car, and he got quieter, paler, shakier. He opened up a bit. Just a bit.

I don't know what's really going on. I only know he's hurting. And that he asked for my help, and I caved. I had promised myself, my parents, the addictions counselor, My Man that I wouldn't give him money again.

I know the story he told me is probably only minimally true. And that the money went to calm his nerves. I know I won't hear from him again until something else goes wrong ... until the money is gone and the drugs along with it.

But still. After dinner we went to the bank. And I gave him money I can ill-afford. One of these days I really will say no and mean it. Today my excuse is that I was already so very very tired. Today I was weak. I don't blame him. I blame me.

the break that can't be unbroken

Not to be overly-dramatic (because, you know, we keep it so light around here) but when your child is a drug addict who cannot be trusted, ever day is an opportunity for a little more heartache. You learn, eventually, not to trust the good times. But, even with heart-break being an ongoing part of our new-normal, some moments stand out.

Dad said across from me at the table. Small talk strained. I wanted to know about their recent vacation. He wanted to avoid looking me in the eye. Mom puttered in my kitchen, avoiding us altogether for the moment. Finally he just came out with it "we have to have a hard conversation." I knew.

I didn't ask what the conversation was about. I asked what The Oldest had stolen while they were away. Some booze. A Nintendo DS. Dad's 1976 Montreal Olympics coin collection.

Mom's engagement and wedding rings.

That can't be right. They must just be misplaced. Their 50th anniversary is this fall - surely the rings will be there.

Only I know it's true. In my heart. It's all true. And terrible. And undeniable.

They'd brought his stuff down with them, at least what they could easily find. There was another box in the attic of the garage they'd find and bring the next week.

And then my heart truly broke - until this moment it had all been just facts. But that tearing sigh from across the table was what did it. My dad said, through tears, that he couldn't be the one to report The Oldest to the police. My mom said, through tears, that they'd already had the locks changed on the doors and The Oldest wasn't welcome at their house until he gets real help.

They've tried. This is the second time he's gone to live with them to try to start fresh. This is the second time he's stolen from them, though we don't know for sure what he took the first time. Other jewelry, most likely. Maybe some tools. Anything portable and pawnable.

They love The Oldest almost as much as I do. That's the real heartbreak. Maybe it'd be easier if we didn't love so fiercely.
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Scintilla Prompt

Talk about breaking someone else's heart, or having your own heart broken.

only curse words come

I got a call today from someone whose name brought you to mind. I nearly vomited. Remembering. Sitting in that office, wanting a partner in taking care of my golden boy. Never having found one at home, I thought the professionals might be on my team. But the professionals who would work with a toad like you were covered in warts themselves. Having only ever had good teachers, I didn't even understand what was going on.

With that call I was pulled into an instant back more than a decade ... closing in on 2. The Oldest  my shining golden boy was in your care. Yet when I expressed concern you patronized. When I was incensed at your condescension, you flat out lied. When I proved you wrong, you tried to tell me I didn't understand simple math.

I called the school board. Supposedly there was nothing they could do. More likely, there was nothing they would do when a very young parent complains about a principal who had served so long. Circling the wagons.

The Oldest, my shining golden boy was in your care. You were responsible for his education, his safety, his development. And you sat with your fat gut leaking over your polyester slacks, you licked your lips watching my chest rise and fall as I tried to control my temper. Your snake eyes gleamed behind your bifocals.

You lied when you said the class he was in was better for him. Twenty-one six-year-old boys and four girls in the most colourless holding pen I've seen. One worn out, grey teacher. Better for him how?

If only I'd known, how much deeper things went. If only I'd known that what would start as neglect the first year would turn into things much more sinister. Much more soul breaking.

Other children saw him choked by the choir teacher. Told their mothers. The mothers told me. I called you. One of them called you. You lied. You said the kids made it up together. The teacher lied. The school board sat on their flatulent asses.

The Oldest said he probably deserved it. I hate you most for that.  And because he hasn't sung in front of anyone since. And for the other thing ... the one that he only admits when he's nearly passed out drunk. The one I didn't know until he climbed back down from the rafter last year.

Your stacks of lies. Your sneering superiority. The trail of slime with which you coated that school made working together impossible. Made learning impossible. Made The Oldest's safety impossible.

The worst mistake I ever made was leaving The Oldest in that school. Some part of me knew that it wasn't okay. That his light was fading. That some insidious evil slipped out under the door of your inner office and infected every room.

There's a special circle of hell waiting for you and your cronies. Only I hope there is also some special hell on earth here for you ... that you live with every day. Some crushing, burning, slow hell that makes you wish to die. I hope that school, that den of evil burns to the ground. I wouldn't even mind if you were in it.

That'd work for me.
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Scintilla Prompt Day 6

Write the letter to the bully, to the cheater, to the aggressor that you always wanted to but couldn't quite. Now tell them why they can't affect you anymore.

broken, at least for now

We're singing. Songs I generally love, or at least enjoy. Sometimes I get distracted - I'm rusty. Haven't been to choir in 11 months, and there's a lot in my head now that I'm back. I took a break right after The Little One attempted suicide 6 weeks after The Oldest  I didn't have music in my heart anymore. It was all I could do to keep my heart beating.

It's 11 months later, and My Man gently nudged me. Apparently it's time to start doing things that fill me up again. He never said so, but he must be getting worn out trying to fill me up on his own. I've started singing at home again. It's time.

Tonight we worked our way up to this song - one of our funnest. One with as much choreography as this choir, the whitest soul choir in the world, can manage. I normally LOVE this song. Normally it's one of my favourite and pulls me completely in.

But for some reason, tonight I wasn't there. It was foreign, and I couldn't sort out why. And then I heard it. The rattling emptiness where my faith used to be. The song has lost it's meaning. I couldn't even sing once I really looked at what the second verse says. It was so much what I have been through, but the chorus offered me no solace. No connection. This is all I'm left with -

Everything that could go wrong, all went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me, I thought I was gonna lose my mind
I know you want to see if I will hold on through these trials.
But I need you to lift this load, cuz I can't take it no more.

Flight or fight set in. I felt nauseous and trapped. I kept going. I'm getting enough sideways looks for being the girl who disappears. The only way out was through.

But once I'd seen it, I felt irreparably broken. Religion has not been much a part of my life the last 10 years, but faith is as much a part of who I am as my blue eyes and my lack of rhythm. It's my heritage. It's what pulls me back to my roots and forward to my future.

And tonight I finally acknowledged that my faith is gone. Faith that things will get better. Faith in myself and my sons. But more than anything, my prayers now bounce off the ceiling and land flat beside me. I know God is still out there, but He's sure not listening to me.

I realised I have a new habit - I ask others to pray for me. I have a praying family - I have faith in their faith. Their God is powerful and healing. My God is silent and distant.

I have praying friends. Theirs is a God of compassion. I have a praying boss and board of directors and team at work. They know what I'm dealing with, and they pray even when I don't ask. Theirs is a faithful God. Mine, at best, has mysterious ways.

Where one or two are gathered ... but not here, alone, in the quiet of my house. Where the fears and the anger and the never knowing and the strain and guilt reside in every corner and creep out at night.

We ended with I Still Have My Joy. Another lie, or at least only intermittent truth.

I still have my joy,
I still have my joy.
After all I've been through, I still have my joy.

This joy that I have, the world didn't give it.
This peace that I have, the world didn't give it.
The joy of the Lord is my strength, my strength.

Verse after repetitive verse. I still have my joy. I still have my peace. I still have my love.

Oh. Okay. That one is true. I still have my love. I may not have my faith, or my peace. I may only sometimes have my joy. But I still have my love - coming in and going out. I know that's ultimately what's going to make the difference for both of my sons. And maybe if I hold on to that for long enough I'll get those other things back as well.
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Scintilla Prompt 6

Show a part of your nature that you feel you've lost. Can you get it back? Would it be worth it?

daring to dream

It's hard, now, to talk about dreaming for The Oldest  Hardest because it's so nearly impossible for him to dream. All I've ever wanted - all I want now - is for both of my sons to be happy, healthy, loved and proud of themselves.

I've shared in their dreams, as long as they would share them with me. The Oldest s early dreams to be a marine biologist, so he could help save all the water creatures he so loves and finds affinity with. The Little One's dreams - much to my dismay - of being an Army officer. Or of building the world's first ... oh wait, that's a secret, and a brilliant one I like to remind him of.

Later, I supported The Oldest s dreams of travelling the world as a snow boarder and cook - people need to eat wherever you go, he told me, and it's something he enjoys that comes easily to him. So he'd always be able to find work chasing the best snow packs, wherever he may be.

I saw that dream die the day he pawned his snowboard - for drug money, I assume now.

I tried to revive the earlier one by sending him - with my parents' help - to volunteer at a sea turtle preserve in Grenada for 6 weeks. That trip was supposed to revive him body and soul, remind him that could things can happen. Remind him that he does have something to contribute to the world.

It worked, for a couple of months at least.

He doesn't dream anymore. Doesn't see the point of it. Sometimes, if it's been a really good week or he's had some recent insight, or a really cute and understanding girl is interested in him, he talks a little about the future. Maybe he could help other people avoid the paths he's chosen. Maybe he can travel again - that travel bug runs generations deep.

But mostly he's too busy surviving to dream. And so my dreams come back to that old refrain.

Let him be happy. Let him get healthy. Let him know he is loved. Let him feel proud of who he is.
______________________
Scintilla Bonus Prompt:

What is one massively impossible dream you've always had?

who's leaving who?

I don't know if he left, or if I did. Or whose leaving made the biggest impression.

It started before my choir concert. I'd bought their tickets - one for The Little One, one for The Oldest  and one for The Oldest's omnipresent friend. I'd given them bus instructions. Made sure they knew when to leave and where to get off. One bus, from straight in front of our home to the intersection beside the church.

I watched, my heart breaking with every completed song they missed. My mind racing - where did they go instead? Why don't I matter? This was important to me, why don't they get that.

It was my choir's Mother's Day concert, and my first solo - "Oh How Happy You Have Made Me." And I was miserable. Could barely keep the fake smile plastered on my face.

By the time I got home, The Oldest watching TV, while The Little One waited out the impending storm in his room, I exploded.

How dare you?

Where the hell were you?

What THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

Apologies and tears and excuses and finger pointing and the same old same old. They'd missed the stop. Decided it was too late and not worth going back.

My friend arrived, urged me out the door, said that never would he ever stand for me speaking to my sons like that again. And got me out of that space. My whole body was shaking with rage.

By the time I returned, several hours and a calming cocktail or two later, The Oldest was gone. The Little One played possum in his bed. I worried. Tried to work out where he might be. I called the one or two friends of his I had numbers for. Then sat on his bed and cried.

What I couldn't shake, through my tears and frustration and fatigue, was the continually growing smell of the weed. Surely, if he was gone, the weed smell should be getting milder, not stronger. I turned out the light and noticed something odd - a light in his closet.

Pulling back the bifold doors, years of indignation and outrage surged through me - 20 or so juvenile pot plants growing in moldy open suitcases under the hot lights of desk lamps that had been stapled to the walls.

How could he? How could he bring that level of criminality into this house? How could he threaten the life and safety of his own brother with that crazy dangerous tangle of wires? How could he think I would never find out?

I piled it all into garbage bags and a broken laundry basket, ripping chunks out of the gyproc with every tug of the electrical cords. In the dark of the night, I dumped it in our townhouse complex garbage bins. Given our neighbours, we would not be the first house searched if anyone saw it.

I dropped into bed, wondered if he was safe, and cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I called a coach, my voice hoarse from crying. "How can I possibly be happy when I don't even know where he is. It's Mother's Day - what kind of mother am I?" He answered, "wow, what kind of pressure must it be for a 17 year old boy to be responsible for his mother's happiness. Go enjoy your day with The Little One - he deserves it."

That evening I posted a notice for The Oldest on the front door: "We love you and miss you, but you are not welcome here unless - you stop smoking weed, you remove any and all drug paraphernalia from this house", etc etc. I don't really remember all the rules. There were 4. Honouring your mother was somewhere on it.

Just as I was trying to drift to sleep again, the doorbell rang. He had aged 10 years in 24 hours. Somehow he'd made it as far as Vancouver's Downtown Eastside. A street person had taken pity on him, so young and so obviously over his head. The man had shared his fire, and watched over The Oldest while he slept.

I don't know what he'd eaten, not much of anything since he didn't have money for the ferry, the buses and food. He was tired, hungry, and smelled of the streets, and yet I made him stand there and agree to those rules.

That was as bad as it got for a while. I'd taught him to be more surreptitious, but not much else. But at least he'd come back. I guess.
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Scintilla Weekend Prompt:

Talk about a time when you left home.

the frenemy you can't escape

She's a bit of a bitch, and often a victim. She irritates the hell out of me most of the time. I mean, I like her well enough when she's herself, but then sometimes she's just so ... HER. She comes across as charming, until you cross her, or she's tired, or The Oldest does something that takes her somewhere between 2 days and a lifetime to get over.

She's been told she's an enabler, though she doesn't even really know what that means. She wonders if she might be co-dependent ... she actually doesn't know what that means either. She often over-thinks.

She means well. Has all the best of intentions. Used to hope against hope that she'd someday win a Mother of the Year Award. She won't. It's too late. But she's learning. Reading. Talking to those more expert.

The biggest problem is, there's no escaping her - she's everywhere I go and in every relationship I'm in.

The most difficult challenge I have in life and in relationships is getting off my own back. I've done what I've done with what I knew at the time. I've never ever ever given up.

And no, I'm not perfect, but I'm growing. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I know this particular story is not nearly done.
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Scintilla Prompt 3:

What's the story of the most difficult challenge you've faced in a relationship? Did you overcome it? What was the outcome?

sometimes no means yes

For the longest time, being an adult meant buying Cap'n Crunch cereal. And then it was NOT buying Cap'n Crunch cereal. Taking my sons on vacations - just the three of us. And then taking myself on a vacation without them. Buying my first vehicle on my own with my own money (I still miss that Jeep).

But the moment that changed me, even after so many other emergencies and upsets and breakthroughs and aha moments, that definitive moment is one I hope I never have to revisit.

The previous 18 hours are a bit of a blur, but the moment itself is clear.

The night before, The Oldest had called me at midnight just as I was getting into bed. All I could make out between the sobs was

'I'm such a loser, Mom, I couldn't even do this right.'

He'd tried to hang himself, it seemed, from the rafter in my parents' garage. He'd been living with them to try to get himself straightened out, but while they were on holidays he was alone with his demons and couldn't fight any more.

While we were still on the phone I got back into my clothes, grabbed my keys, and headed to my car. I let him off the line when my niece had him chatting online. My sister kept me company via cell phone on the 90 minute drive, at least until I hit an ill-named 'dead' spot.

He was dressed in his best clothes. All of his belongings had been neatly packed in boxes, and he'd spent the day cleaning the condo so his grandparents wouldn't have to deal with that when they got home. And he was staggering drunk, by the time I got in the door. He'd found his solace, as always, in substance.

I could see the chain mark on his neck, and it took everything in me not to scream, or cry or break. I thought that was the strongest I'd need to be. It wasn't.

He told me what he'd been dealing with. Named some of his demons. Said he would be better if I could just take him home. I considered calling the police, the hospital, a help line. But he promised he'd be okay that night if I'd just take him home.

And so we slept. Fitfully. Fully clothed. For a couple hours. And in the morning we came home and showered. And then I said "we have to go to the hospital. This is not something I can do alone."

He agreed, sort of. We have a fast-track emergency psychiatric services ward at our nearest hospital, so we gave that a try. Whisked through triage and into the ward. And then the waiting. He had an interview with a nurse. And then more waiting. An interview with a social worker. And then more waiting.

People on and off various medications and in various planes of reality circled about, shuffling, muttering, smelly. We tried to stay as far away from them as possible. On the balcony. In the end chairs. One woman was sleeping in a reclining chair. She'd been there a while.

The Oldest had a meeting with a psychiatrist. I had a meeting with a social worker. The psychiatrist and social worker met together. And then the question to me alone in that lifeless room:

"He says he'll be okay going home. Do you agree."

The Oldest had been angry since the moment he saw the locks on the door, since we'd had to be buzzed in in the first place. He'd withrdrawn more and more as we talked to strangers, as he tried to avoid the 'crazy people,' as he realised this was not going to be 'just take me home.'

I sat at the table, looking at these two strangers. Looking at the bars on the windows and the institutional table.

At first I could only shake my head. And then I took a deep breath. And I did the grown up thing - I said no. They needed to keep him there. He needed more help than I could give him.

The Oldest wouldn't speak to me when we came out of the room. I knew that being in a locked facility was the worst kind of hell for him. When he finally did speak, it was a mixture of condemnation and pleading - how could I do this to him? He'd be fine. He just needed me and his friends. Why didn't I understand?

I said I loved him. Made sure he'd have a bed in a private room and not be expected to sleep in a chair. I got as far as my car before I couldn't breathe or see.

I miss my naive self. I miss my innocent boy. I miss all the ways we were before all this shit became our reality. And if I have to, I know I will make the hard call again. And again. And every time I have to to keep him alive.
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Scintilla Day 2:

When did you realise you were a grown up? What did this mean for you? Shock to the system? Mourning of halcyon younger days? Or the embracing of the knowledge that you can do all the cool stuff adults do: drink wine, go on parent-free vacations, eat chocolate without reprimand?

cough cough puke

It was a day of several firsts, and a day that precipitated an ending.

I was 14 and more lost than I'd been in elementary school. Junior High, though it was almost entirely comprised of kids I'd known all my school life, was a sorting hat. And I was ... none of the above. My girlfriends had all seemed to advance so much faster than I was. My body had been too busy adding height and chubbiness  to add curves.

I'd sat through at least three 'health' lectures since grade 5, had once even faked having my period and borrowed a pad off someone just to feel somehow 'normal.' I was a girl in a round boys body. And the girls I'd known were all so much older than me suddenly. Cool. Aloof. Independent. Rebellious. Womanly. Everything I wasn't.

So when I got to be included - when they invited me to sneak out and hide in the ball diamond dugouts to smoke a joint with them - there was no possible way I'd say no. There was no peer pressure involved - I'd been aching to be included.

I don't know where they'd gotten the weed. It was never very hard to get in our highschool if you were cool enough to ask. It was dank though - harsh smelling and harsh burning.

I tried to inhale, and nearly blew it out coughing. They laughed, and I tried to be cool about it. I tried a couple more puffs, but we aren't born knowing how to inhale smoke - it's not a natural thing.

Within minutes I was sick to my stomach. Nauseous and cramping. I went home - one of the benefits of being a book-wormy good girl was the privelege of having people believe you when you wanted to go home sick. I swore I'd never smoke anything again.

That night I finally got my period for real - another first. I didn't talk to anyone about it - the youngest of three teenage daughters and the alumna of so many 'health' talks I was well aware where the supplies where and what to do with them.

It has stuck with me forever after though. One sure indicator of what time of the month is looming for me is a daring recklessness that immediately precedes Shark Week. I take risks and actions that I wouldn't otherwise. I also say things and wish almost immediately I could take them back, but that's a different story.

I didn't try weed again for many years. And I gave up, on that day, trying to hold on to those girlfriends. It was a beginning and an ending. They had gone so far ahead that I could never catch up. And when I looked down that road, it really wasn't where I wanted to be.

When I first discovered The Oldest smoked weed, this was my reference point. If only I'd known how much more serious things can be.

i'll show you mine ...

“Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle.” John Acuff

The email was friendly, welcoming, and such a surprise. Someone I'd grown up with, reconnecting after 15+ years. For some reason, although I'd known him all my life, my friendship with him and his wife died after I left my husband. Too awkward, perhaps?

Regardless. The new connection was a happy one. One of the upsides of social media. Catching up was tender progress - my boys are doing x & y, I work at z. His career has taken a self-determined turn. How's the family.

The emails slowly deepened. More was revealed. And then, hell weekend. Catastrophe and heart-ache here. And I get back to the office to a lengthy email about his happy children. Successful. Graduated. And then came the real conversation stopper for me:

"We haven't had any drug problems, they aren't criminals ..."

I remembered, in that moment. All the Christmas letters we used to receive. Their children being, reportedly, magnificent at everything they touched. How I'd breathed a sigh of relief when I stopped receiving them. 

My sons are magnificent creatures. But not absolutely everything came easily to them. Certainly not school, for The Oldest. And especially not in a school where he was put down, cast aside, and abused. 

I sighed. And ignored the email for a few days. Then I told my Dad about it. He, in his tender wisdom, said "what if you were just honest with your friend and let him in. Maybe take your relationships a little deeper." 

And so I was. Not dramatic, but honest. This has happened. This is what we are dealing with. The Oldest stole from his grandparents. He uses multiple drugs. He both wants and refuses help. 

The response I got back floored me. "Thank you for trusting me after all these years with your heartache. We are praying for you all ..." and, oh, by the way, things aren't as rosy there as they seem. They have their own struggles that weren't shared in round 1. 

Yes, we've had drug problems. We've had criminal behaviour. And we have love. We have hope. And we have friends and family praying for us. And we have friends and family with their own struggles and challenges who we can, in turn support. 

The greatest thing about that opening quote is that this IS just the beginning. That each day is a new beginning. 

feelin' good

Endorphins = endogenous morphine = morphine naturally created in the body

We've all experienced them - the high from a work out, from great sex, from a delicious meal. Our brains have been designed to reward us with feel good feelings when we move and fuel our bodies. But it wasn't until I read Dr. Gabor Mate's explanation of the naming of these fun chemicals (In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, pg. 151) that I started to really understand the appeal of drugs.

Endorphins are a reward - one of the most acceptable instances in popular culture is the "runners' high." I'm too lazy for that and prefer the "cupcake with buttercream icing high." It's less talked about, but probably as common.

Also in In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts Dr. Maté provides the following comparisons list for endorphin and its related dopamine-enhancing activities (pg. 145):

• Planning a great meal (or, in my case, buying a cupcake) - increases dopamine 50%
• Sexual arousal - increases dopamine 100%
• Cocaine - increases dopamine 300%
• Crytal Meth - increases dopamine 1200%

I'm in no way meaning to excuse the addict for their behaviour. I just found this explanation poignant, powerful and relatable. I can barely resist a cupcake ... how much harder must it be to resist the pull of that 6 - 24x more powerful high? 

choking on words

You wouldn't really think it of someone who writes for her sanity, but I frequently choke on words. Choking back my hurt at ill-timed humour. Choking back my frustration at unbidden advice. Choking back the avalanche of not knowing - the pregnant questions aborted on my tongue.

And yesterday, choking on my dismay when I walked into my house and found The Oldest sitting on my couch, checking his email on my computer.

It's not that either of those things are bad in themselves - he was coming for dinner. He was expected. The surprise was that he was in the house when I got here. He doesn't have a key anymore. And instantly my mind leapt to 'what is there here for him to steal?'

I breathed. I measured my words to strip them of accusation. I said, simply, "hi hon - how did you get in here?"

The back door was unlocked. Which means it had been unlocked for 2 days. Yet another something that I had overlooked. Forgotten.

Dinner was good. The conversation was fine. And in the back of my mind the whole time was this nagging voice 'you can't do that - he can't be here alone - you have to be more careful.'

There's actually nothing here worth stealing. Or at least, nothing that I believe is worth stealing. He'd be the one to know more about that.

I don't know why I don't trust my voice. I have no problem writing it all out. So why is it so hard to say them. I have to force myself to say "your family met with an addictions counsellor because we're concerned and don't know how to help you." To say "all we want is for you to get better, but you have to be the one to make that happen."

I eventually did say it. But it came out all wrong. Jumbled. Powerless.

After he left I cried that it's come to this. And I succumbed to my own self-medications - white wine and chocolate. And I wondered how he can ever get better with someone as wordless as me as his team.

the arrow and the bow

My friend Bear sent me this poem from Kahil Gabran today:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

This was my second message today that The Oldest s journey is not my journey. I have tried to be clear here that what I am telling is my story - I am self-aware enough to know that my perspective is not the only truth of a situation.

I also know that it's time to do a some letting go. This is my story, and I will continue to tell it. And with time and practice it will be less about what I want The Oldest to do and be, and more about my recovery from years of enabling him.

turn that smile upside down

Sometimes the ups are only a reminder of how low the downs have been. On a morning like this past Saturday, when I get a visit from The Oldest and he's charming, smiling, and connecting with others in the room, the new normal becomes less tolerable for days after.

The Little One was visiting for a few days, and The Oldest had said he'd come for brunch so we could all be together. I took advantage of the lure of bacon to invite My Man and his children to join us. The Oldest hadn't met the kids yet, and it would be the first time all 6 of us were together. I was anxious - I want us all to form some new form of family. I want everyone to like each other. And I wanted to impress and delight with the menu. That's a lot of pressure for a Saturday morning.

The Oldest showed up on time and sober. He helped cook (have I mentioned he's an amazingly talented cook?). As he always does when he's in that mood, he made me laugh and put me at ease. Once the other guests had arrived, the conversation was stilted and awkward. The Oldest helped to smooth that out. Then he cleared the table & asked what else he could help with before he left. He was the ideal guest. The ideal son.

I hate that I can't just be grateful for that morning. That on Sunday when he blew me off again it was like the morning before had never happened. That I allow myself, in those beautiful moments, to think that everything is okay and there's no need to worry.

Maybe some day that will be true. I cling to that maybe.

go go go go stop

I want my son back. Now. I want his smiling eyes, his hugs that actually connect. I want him to look me in the eye when he speaks to me. And I want it now.

Time in the world of addiction is just one more thing that doesn't make sense. That moves in and out of focus.

Some times I think of him and he's the laughing, dancing, winking 4 year old who couldn't get enough of hugging his brother, playing with his dad, and helping his mom.

Some days he speaks to me and he's a worn-out old man. World-weary. Exhausted. Cynical.

It's been longer than a year since he attempted suicide, but it is constantly present for me. A rope. Driving by the hospital. References in tv and movies. They keep the horror of that night immediate.

It's only been a month since his grandparents discovered he stole from them, yet it seems to be far distant - have we waited too long to respond? The facts are a fog for me.

I make appointments to learn, to heal, to support. And they arrive upon me with startling speed.

I can't make sense of this world. Maybe it's not fair to think that The Oldest  who is so much further engaged in the world of addiction, should be able to keep track of time.

Or maybe it's just one more excuse I'm willing to make for him.

instant-access rage

The outrage I feel at these actually insignificant slights is completely out of proportion, until I remember that it is balanced by the lack of outrage I've felt for years at the hand of The Oldest's bullying, lying, stealing.

Take today, for example. I was working at a fundraiser for the charity I work for. It involved cheap access for community members to a service that The Oldest could use right now. I said I'd pay for it. He said he'd be there. Reiterated yesterday that he'd be there. Messaged me this morning that he'd be there. So I paid for him to have a spot in the queue, and took slight advantage of my staff position to do so. 

An hour passed. Then two. Then I checked my messages - 'I don't think it's going to happen today. Sorry.' 

I could have screamed. Or yelled. Or punched something. Only I was at work, with people who were enjoying the event. With colleagues who couldn't really understand that this is just one more stab in the death by a thousand cuts. With My Man who did show up, as he always does. 

So I sloughed it off, or, more accurately, stuffed it down. 

Until I started driving home, thinking about it, stirring up what had festered all afternoon - why do I believe? Why did I actually think he'd be there this time? Why don't I matter enough for him to show up? WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS? WHY THE HELL DOES HE REPEATEDLY GET TO WALK ALL OVER ME? 

Only, I know that every judgmental, harsh thing I think about The Oldest in those moments, he already believes. If I actually allowed myself to yell out all the years of hurt and disappointment and frustration it wouldn't even come close to what he already believes to be true about himself. 

And knowing that cools the rage every time. My job is to love him. To remind him what's right, yes, but to love him. Until one day I hope he can love himself. 

the bitter fruit of hope

My therapist, the one I only went to twice before she totally pissed me off, said that what The Oldest says is not necessarily a lie. That when he says 'he's sorry' or 'he wishes he could do better' or 'he wants a different life' that he truly means it in that moment. And then in another moment the drugs are more important.

And, I understand that. We had a family conference with an addictions counselor, and he explained the battle between the limbic system and the cerebral cortex, and how survival will always trump reason in that battle, and that The Oldest's brain is now wired to equate survival with the drugs.

tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

So I listen, and I remind myself not to believe anything he says, or - more to the point - not to cling so tightly to the expectation that what he says will result immediately in changed actions.

I remind myself that The Oldest is a drug addict and not to be trusted, but that he's still The Oldest and deserving of unlimited love. That his words are not a lie, but a truth that may not stand up to time.

The things he says are so much of what I want to hear. I want to believe them ... in the moment he says them they are not just an idea, but a future that makes all this okay. And yet, those are not the lies that get me into trouble. The lies that really mess with my head are the ones I tell myself.

• Maybe there's some other explanation for where the booze/money/my mom's wedding rings went
• Maybe he can just get better on his own
• Maybe mom just misplaced her rings - she is getting forgetful
• I'm sure the drugs he's doing aren't that bad
• Maybe he really does like having a nowhere job and couch surfing with his friends
• Surely this is more because of his dad's 'abandonment' anything I did or failed to do

The exhausting mental gymnastics give me a hope that is not born out of reality. I am learning, slowly, that my best hope lies in a deep connection to the truth of the matter. That The Oldest is a drug addict, and he sincerely wants a better life. That his issues are more complex than I understand. That I can only support his recovery, not make choices for him. That I can - and in fact must - be responsible for deepening my own relatedness to the truth.

in the shadow of the hanging tree

Our first date was two nights after The Oldest tried to hang himself; one night after he was released from involuntary confinement at the hospital. People said I should cancel - that it was nuts for me to think I could be with My Man and be present for him and genuinely see what there was to see. But I was determined - our phone calls had already done so much for me, and I didn't want to wait. Not to mention I was still in shock and denial. I rationalised - I only needed to hold it together for an hour or so.

Thirteen months later, our entire relationship has been conducted in the shadow of that night before we met. For 8 months The Oldest slept on my living room floor. He cringed around strangers, so having My Man here was a slow process and carefully timed.

But my hunch was right. My Man was all I'd dreamed of and more than I'd thought I deserved. He has been my strong tower through all of this - any other man would have turned and run away when he learned what was going on. My Man stood. Strong. With his arms extended.

He stepped into the light of a street corner lantern on that first night and I took my first full breath in 48 hours. I felt my whole body relax. I smiled, and laughed, and felt what it was to have strong arms around me. He kissed me, and I understood for the first time that 'weak in the knees' is an actual physical phenomenon, not an expression.

It has not been easy. My Man also has his struggles, and I have to remember to support him. It's easy for me to be consumed by The Oldest's drug use. Some nights I make a vow to myself - tonight we will not talk about The Oldest. I will not say his name. I will let go of my nagging thoughts and be in My Man's world.

So far it's working. Sometimes beautiful things grow in the shadows.

feeding on the fear

I can't stop eating. In the 13 months since he tried to hang himself, since that moment in his despair when he shared some of his darkest secrets with me - secrets that in the light of day & sobriety he would deny - I have gained 30 pounds.

Image from  http://risetiqks.blogspot.com/   

I eat in secret and in silence. I eat to soothe myself. And to punish myself. The sugar rush masks my fear and pain and guilt, and distracts me. It's so much simpler to hate my bulging stomach and my returning double-chin than to confront what's going on out there - with my son. The choking helplessness goes down with just a spoonful of sugar.

I didn't do this to him. I know that to some extent. I didn't give him his first joint, his first tab of acid, his first cap of ecstasy or his first line of cocaine. I didn't let him drink under-age (though I also didn't do much to stop him stealing any alcohol in the house). I wouldn't even know most drugs if I saw them sitting on the counter.

And yet. I can't stop hating myself. Feeling I failed him. Remembering the times I hit him in anger, or battered him with words. Thinking of all the times I could have done more to try and stop this descent. Thinking of all the things I didn't know but probably should have. All the things I couldn't protect him from. All the dark corners I didn't look into.

It's easier, to hate my body. To prove with every bite of chocolate and every scoop of ice cream, that I am weak. It's easier to choke down more food than even feels good than to sit with all of my bubbling emotions.

But it's not helping either of us.