23 Things I'd Say if The Oldest Would Listen

1. I love you. Yes, I say it every time we see each other. And I will say it until you hear it. 
2. You are a blessing, and still one of the greatest things that ever happened in my life
3. None of the horror that happened in your childhood was your fault. NONE of it. 
4. Stop hating yourself for how you responded to what happened in your childhood. You were a child - you didn't know what else to do
5. You are responsible for the choices you continue to make now - addicted or not, you are the one choosing not to get help, to use drugs instead of dealing with what's behind them, to steal  from your family to get those drugs, etc. Yes, you are an addict and you've been through hell. You are still responsible for what you're doing now
6. Your brother misses you - the you who was his friend, hero and protector before he became one of your victims
7. Your father loves you, in his never-quite-sure-what-to-do way
8. Your aunts, uncles and cousins love you 
9. You are brilliant - far brighter and wiser than most people could hope to be. Act like it 
10. You have one of the biggest hearts I know - stop squelching it
11. You really need a hair cut. Just sayin' 
12. People pay good money to try to develop the talent you naturally have - stop squelching that too!
13. You have all the opportunity in the world - for love, support, help, education - you just have to accept it
14. Nothing will change until you deal with the demons that haunt you
15. I will let you fall - I'm strong enough for that now. I will let you fall hard if that's what it takes for you to get help
16. Dream. Dream big. Those dreams will keep you moving forward
17. I know you think your friends are great guys. Maybe they are, but they aren't helping you. Surround yourself with people who pull you upwards and forwards. 
18. Your grandparents love you & miss you so much it hurts them to talk about you. But they do - because you are their grandson and they love you 
19. Love and hope trump fear every day
20. We are not giving up on you. Ever

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Scintilla Prompt

Write a list of 23

the break that can't be unbroken

Not to be overly-dramatic (because, you know, we keep it so light around here) but when your child is a drug addict who cannot be trusted, ever day is an opportunity for a little more heartache. You learn, eventually, not to trust the good times. But, even with heart-break being an ongoing part of our new-normal, some moments stand out.

Dad said across from me at the table. Small talk strained. I wanted to know about their recent vacation. He wanted to avoid looking me in the eye. Mom puttered in my kitchen, avoiding us altogether for the moment. Finally he just came out with it "we have to have a hard conversation." I knew.

I didn't ask what the conversation was about. I asked what The Oldest had stolen while they were away. Some booze. A Nintendo DS. Dad's 1976 Montreal Olympics coin collection.

Mom's engagement and wedding rings.

That can't be right. They must just be misplaced. Their 50th anniversary is this fall - surely the rings will be there.

Only I know it's true. In my heart. It's all true. And terrible. And undeniable.

They'd brought his stuff down with them, at least what they could easily find. There was another box in the attic of the garage they'd find and bring the next week.

And then my heart truly broke - until this moment it had all been just facts. But that tearing sigh from across the table was what did it. My dad said, through tears, that he couldn't be the one to report The Oldest to the police. My mom said, through tears, that they'd already had the locks changed on the doors and The Oldest wasn't welcome at their house until he gets real help.

They've tried. This is the second time he's gone to live with them to try to start fresh. This is the second time he's stolen from them, though we don't know for sure what he took the first time. Other jewelry, most likely. Maybe some tools. Anything portable and pawnable.

They love The Oldest almost as much as I do. That's the real heartbreak. Maybe it'd be easier if we didn't love so fiercely.
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Scintilla Prompt

Talk about breaking someone else's heart, or having your own heart broken.

in the shadow of the hanging tree

Our first date was two nights after The Oldest tried to hang himself; one night after he was released from involuntary confinement at the hospital. People said I should cancel - that it was nuts for me to think I could be with My Man and be present for him and genuinely see what there was to see. But I was determined - our phone calls had already done so much for me, and I didn't want to wait. Not to mention I was still in shock and denial. I rationalised - I only needed to hold it together for an hour or so.

Thirteen months later, our entire relationship has been conducted in the shadow of that night before we met. For 8 months The Oldest slept on my living room floor. He cringed around strangers, so having My Man here was a slow process and carefully timed.

But my hunch was right. My Man was all I'd dreamed of and more than I'd thought I deserved. He has been my strong tower through all of this - any other man would have turned and run away when he learned what was going on. My Man stood. Strong. With his arms extended.

He stepped into the light of a street corner lantern on that first night and I took my first full breath in 48 hours. I felt my whole body relax. I smiled, and laughed, and felt what it was to have strong arms around me. He kissed me, and I understood for the first time that 'weak in the knees' is an actual physical phenomenon, not an expression.

It has not been easy. My Man also has his struggles, and I have to remember to support him. It's easy for me to be consumed by The Oldest's drug use. Some nights I make a vow to myself - tonight we will not talk about The Oldest. I will not say his name. I will let go of my nagging thoughts and be in My Man's world.

So far it's working. Sometimes beautiful things grow in the shadows.