Monday, March 19, 2012

daring to dream

It's hard, now, to talk about dreaming for The Oldest  Hardest because it's so nearly impossible for him to dream. All I've ever wanted - all I want now - is for both of my sons to be happy, healthy, loved and proud of themselves.

I've shared in their dreams, as long as they would share them with me. The Oldest s early dreams to be a marine biologist, so he could help save all the water creatures he so loves and finds affinity with. The Little One's dreams - much to my dismay - of being an Army officer. Or of building the world's first ... oh wait, that's a secret, and a brilliant one I like to remind him of.

Later, I supported The Oldest s dreams of travelling the world as a snow boarder and cook - people need to eat wherever you go, he told me, and it's something he enjoys that comes easily to him. So he'd always be able to find work chasing the best snow packs, wherever he may be.

I saw that dream die the day he pawned his snowboard - for drug money, I assume now.

I tried to revive the earlier one by sending him - with my parents' help - to volunteer at a sea turtle preserve in Grenada for 6 weeks. That trip was supposed to revive him body and soul, remind him that could things can happen. Remind him that he does have something to contribute to the world.

It worked, for a couple of months at least.

He doesn't dream anymore. Doesn't see the point of it. Sometimes, if it's been a really good week or he's had some recent insight, or a really cute and understanding girl is interested in him, he talks a little about the future. Maybe he could help other people avoid the paths he's chosen. Maybe he can travel again - that travel bug runs generations deep.

But mostly he's too busy surviving to dream. And so my dreams come back to that old refrain.

Let him be happy. Let him get healthy. Let him know he is loved. Let him feel proud of who he is.
Scintilla Bonus Prompt:

What is one massively impossible dream you've always had?


  1. What nightmares you must have, over the welfare of your son. I'm new to the blog, and need to read back. I can't imagine how hard it is to feel so helpless. As a mom, do want your kids to be happy, healthy and to know that they are loved; but, you can't help but want more for them.

    Love to you.

    1. Thanks, Brandee. The blog isn't very old, so catching up won't take long. Or you could just read the short version on the 'About Us' page. Thanks for reading with a mother's heart. What keeps me going is seeing the joyous, golden 5 year old that still lives in him somewhere.

  2. "too busy surviving to dream" - this is something i too know really really well. and i've never had a drug problem, but this is just, well, the way life goes sometimes. but your dreams for him now - they are the most important core ones that exist, i think.

    1. Thanks, Dominique. I think just surviving takes us all over at some point, for various reasons. But to dream is really to create a life worth surviving for ... so maybe my dreams for my sons should include that they dream again. Thank you for commenting.

  3. I've been in his shoes, minus one thing: the loving parent that won't stop trying. He will one day wake up and want to be free of the chains around his neck, and you'll be there to see him through. Of that I am sure.

    1. I wonder if you know, Jason, what a miracle you are. Thank you.