Monday, April 9, 2012

yelling into the wind

I think it's the loneliness of being the mother of a drug addict that most surprises me. The isolation. The feeling like few know, fewer care, and only the rare will actually ask - how are you? How is your son? What do you really want to talk about? I don't want advice - I want someone to listen and to give a damn.

I admit I am not naturally a person who shares my deepest hurts and fears and what's really going on for me. I takes practice and an effort of will to say what's really on my mind. Which is kind of ironic given that I work in Communications, am active here and there on social media, have 2 blogs, and write daily in one way or another. For most of my life I've kept a busy outgoing facade in order to protect the quiet, scared girl inside

I started this blog to try to get out some of what I was struggling the most to share with people. To try to connect with other parents of hungry ghosts. To get my thoughts out in black and white and see if I can make sense of them. To practice saying "My son is a drug addict and I don't know how to help him." To get related to the truth of what we're dealing with, and to let others in. And to give hope when there's hope to share, to share info and strength where I find them.

But in the dark nights, I'm still alone with my fears even when I'm in My Man's arms. More than one friend with whom I've shared this blog has told me they can't read it - they don't want to know the truth of what we're dealing with. I suppose it's nice that they're honest. But what am I supposed to do with that? Why can't they show up with a bottle of wine and just talk about something else instead of leaving me alone with the nightmares?

There's an irony, I suppose. In my master's thesis I wrote about trauma theory and how when people go through an extreme trauma there's a part of themselves that they can not integrate into their sense of self until someone else both hears AND believes it. Most of the research comes out of the Jewish Holocaust. I still find it fascinating and illuminating 10 years later.

I am loved, and The Oldest is loved as well - people don't really want to know the truth. I guess that's why for Holocaust survivors, the listener was generally a grand child - their children were too close to want to hear. And yet that is what I truly need. A listener, preferably someone who can listen without judging, advising, or getting upset themselves. I guess maybe that's too much to expect of friends.

10 comments:

  1. ***But in the dark nights, I'm still alone with my fears even when I'm in My Man's arms.****

    Beautiful, Honest, Heartbreaking Post.

    My girlfriend is going thru the same this w/ her son right now.

    I am sending her this immediately.

    thank you for telling your story. Never Stop. <3

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    1. Thank you, Kim - it means the world to me that another mom might find herself here. And, thank you for your blog - I'm following you now, and sincerely sorry for the sorrow of your sister's murder.

      XO

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  2. I am the girlfriend with the son who is also a drug addict. I completley understand. To others I am outgoing, truthful, and say what is on my mind. I have no problems being there for others but cannot talk or even explain the demons I live with everyday, nor do I think people care or understand. I know in life everyone has their own agenda and sometimes I do not think there is room for me on other peoples list. All I can say is I feel like I am constantly living on the verge of insanity and the only thing that keeps me pushing through is a demon lurking waiting for me: to tire, to steal, kill,and take my child. This is what gives me the indurance to keep up the fight; no matter how tired, lonely, & isolated I may feel. I know I cannot give into my fears, because with God there is hope and I know for your son, my son, and many others there is restoration. I will be praying for you and your son.

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    1. I'll be praying for you as well. I feel so relieved to know I'm not alone ... that's horrible, in a way, but it's like there's a lifeline. I am sorry - I know at least some version of the hell you've lived. If you'd like to connect in private, my email address is motherhungryghost@gmail.com. And if not, I certainly understand. I will be praying for you and your son as well.

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  3. Just so you know, I give a damn. I'd bring that bottle of wine over and just listen. I hope your son reads your blog, and I hope he comes to terms with his demons.

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    1. Thanks, Stephanie! I prefer fruity whites and sparkles. :) And, your blog is so inspiring - people DO do things, don't they! How magical is that!

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  4. My youngest brother is a drug addict and an alcoholic. Sometimes, I still find it hard to believe. This was a man who became a self-made millionaire, a charming and charitable man. One who had a wife and two daughters. And now he has nothing. Literally. I used to write about him all the time. Searching for the same things you are searching for. You see, my friends who claimed they would be supportive of me, in actuality didn't want to know the truth about my brother. Or, they didn't want to accept it. So I kind of insulated myself from them and became my own "go to" person. Because I use my real name on my blog, pretty soon my family became aware of some of the posts I was writing about. And while I never used or use real names, everyone knew who and what I was talking about. So I was asked to take those posts down. At first I fought it. They were my words, my emotions and no one had a right to ask me to remove them. But in the end, because my family freaked out on me, I removed those posts. I still struggle with my brother's issues. He stresses me out and I don't know how to deal with it. So, I do know what you are feeling and just so you know, I understand. *HUGS TO YOU!

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    1. Thanks, Yvonne. And thanks for your bravery in saying what there was for you to say, and also for respecting others' needs for you to stop saying it. It's such a hard line. Anyone who knows me will recognise this is me - I've tried to keep it just 'anonymous' enough for plausible deniability. And I'm finding that gives me more freedom to swear, be angry, cry out, and really truly say how frustrated I am.

      I hope your brother wins his battle and finds out what an amazing sister he has. XO

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  5. I am here and I hear you. ♥♪

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    1. Thanks, Bobbi!! I am so very grateful for you & Bear!!

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