Wednesday, May 30, 2012

and on it goes

The Little One sent me a note on Facebook tonight letting me know that he was going to say some things in a note that he'd been holding back from the family, and that it's the kind of thing that freaks everyone out, and I should be prepared and let them know he's okay, because he is. Okay being a relative term these days.

Said note, lack of capitalization & wacky spelling and all:
not sure if i should do this but here gos 
i believe in complete honesty as being the best way for a person to continue moving forward.{did not allways think this way} for the past five years that i have tried to stick to this i used a much simpler form of lying: omission. out of all the things i have seen heard and thought of in my life i can only admit to two people ever coming close to knowing any of it. neither of them were doctors and neither could have come close to knowing how to help me cope. i dont trust doctors and there "professionalism". its them being professional that means they wont share, if they have a bad day theyll hide it what is that teaching you. a shrink could actually be someone with the introverted agenda of worsening peoples conditions so that they are forced to coninue making regular visits.{dont really think theres a doc like that just a possibility} but i digress. the point is i prefer to confide seperate things into different people that i think i can trust as they come up. problem is all those people have had superficial nonlasting relationships with me resulting in ever worse conditions for being able to even admit that i am bothered let alone what is doing the bothering. i know where my first experience was that basically ruined the innocence every child needs preserved and i know that none of my familly knows what it was and both of those two people i told had forgotten about it the next time i brought it up.{so i never would again} my most recent attempt on my life {bit more than 1 year ago} was actually caused by being in a bad place when this repressed memory came to the surface. somehow i can make myself forget it im actually not to surprised i have a horrible memory which only gets worse with my rampant pot use. this experience is not what caused my condition but it with my compounded other difficulties to completing goals or even simple tasks makes every day a struggle. i find it hard to explain and i dont think anybody really understands but my depression is not the type that comes and gos or can be brought on by a sad experience. it is instead an inability to produce the normal amount of endorphines. {mind happiness syrum} so my high is a low and my low is lower still. the extra cool side to this is since its actually my mind failing it only gets worse and by being silly and doing some of the drugs i did i caused schizophrenic episodes. now on its own my form of depression makes me hear things that arent there.{not voices in my head} so when i had schizo episodes i knew they were fake and didnt really care till they would happen everyday sober. now i have stopped using the drugs that cause this i dont have schizophrenic episodes anymore it just shows the depths i can be sucked into. now ive explained all this because thinking about it i realised most of my familly has expressed sympathy and a wish to help and mostly been rebuked with plain dismissal{sorry} and that is because i know nobody has an inkling of the full gravity of the uphill battle i must face until i die. and since only the people who care enough are actually going to read all this nuts stuff youve now all been fully informed. im fine i would never have written any of this if i wasnt trying to break through my own barriers. i have written this sort of stuff for a long time and allways in this fashion yet refuse to share it comepletely. i just figure its about time i properly explained why i can sit around all day with everything takin care of for me and still be angry, depressed and lazy no matter what anybody does about it because honestly i cant do jack about it other than keep on trucking into the next sunset.
So I called him. And I asked about the repressed memory and the incident in his childhood and he would only talk around it and say it's not the point. So I tried to ask what he needs moving forward, and, well, there weren't many answers there either.

It's all a little crazy-making, and I'm not the one who hears voices. I don't know how something - whatever it was - could have happened and my little boys not tell me about it. He says it wasn't sexual and he wasn't hurt, so what could steal his innocence and his childhood and need hiding for all these years and wreak all this havoc in his young brain? And why didn't I know? Why didn't he say? And The Oldest was there. And what does all this have to do with his demons now?

I know in many ways The Little One is right - it doesn't matter now except to move forward. But I'm such a firm believer that you can't move forward dragging incomplete messes from the past behind you. Maybe he isn't. Maybe he got more out of his years of seeing a psychiatrist than he admits.

It's just gut-wrenching to keep learning these things. And to not know what to do about it. Ironically (or do I mean coincidentally?), I had lunch today with someone who was talking about her mom's incredible love, compassion and grace for people, except the Nazis (who she'd escaped as a young woman) and those who messed with children - those two groups should be dealt with swiftly and with finality.

I have to say, I'm in agreement right now. I don't know the enemy, or what he did. But I know he should hope not to run into me.

And I'll do a little looking to see if I can find some grace for myself. All I can see right now are two beautiful little blonde boys who had something life-changing happen that they couldn't tell their mom about. And that's a hard truth to bear.

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